Anna Osuna
PAS 114B
2/23/2012
Marielle Ordono: The company of Guilt
Your essay started
out very good alive with description, and vivid images for the audience to easily
get hooked but I felt as you did not carry this out throughout the entire
essay. Although you did provide many details you did not make it clear to the
audience why these details were needed. I feel as you should of introduced the
sister dying earlier to the reader, instead of letting them go through the
whole stories with just a hint of what was going to happen. Your organization
of your essay was good well laid out in appearance, however I felt some of the events
that took place had no connection to the story. For example you could of added
a better event that would of improved your story instead of neighbor coming over. The tone of your essay was good, it
started out strong and ended strong but it seemed to kind of get lost in the
middle. I feel as you should of got to the point of the story faster because
the audience may drift off and become confused if you do not. The evidence of
what happened was good you did not leave out how it impacted the girl. Your
grammar was overall good I did not see many mistake maybe a couple of words
that you missed. Overall the story line was not bad it was good and relatable
to many people, however you could of laid it out to the reader better. I did love that you ended the story with your title.
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