Anna Osuna
23, March 2012
Professor Broadous
PAS114 B
Juven Critique
Voice/ Tone: The tone of the essay was strong and direct, your thesis was stated at the
end of the first paragraph. However instead of using I, I would try talking in the third
person because the reader who is grading your paper may deduct points from your
total grade but I know using I is important in this particular essay because of the
comparison you use with your reality and the homeless.
Audience: The comparison you used with your living situation and the homeless really
drew me in and I am sure it would draw the audience in as well. It made your essay
more personal which always is good for connecting with the audience.
Organization: The organization of this essay was good but I suggest that you combine
the first and second paragraph together because the second seemed as it would flow
better with the first and your introduction was short. The paragraphs flowed
pretty good but each topic you are addressing in each paragraph could be more straight
forward so the reader does not get confused. At times some sentence seemed a little
brief and incomplete.
Meaning: The meaning of the essay was deep and touching to anyone who would read
it.
Evidence: The evidence in this essay needs to be strong you could have used outside
resources to your advantage more then you did. With resources and more examples to
the world of homeless families and individuals currently would make the essay 100
percent stronger.
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